'Gangsta' Pastor Awaits Sentencing
August 12th, 2008
Almost a year ago to the day Bishop Thomas Weeks was found kicking the crap out of the woman he loved most in plain view of, well…
Everyone.
Although ministerial malfeasance wasn’t necessarily a foreign concept, blatant violence towards women wasn’t exactly a common occurrence. At least not in broad daylight or in public view. Not so anymore.
That was then…this is now. Bishop Thomas Weeks done changed the game. Thanks to Bishop Tommy, “Men of God” all over the country have begun to act a fool (in the biblical sense) with women. You might have seen the video of the St. Paul AME pastor who punched (not slapped) PUNCHED a woman while the cameras were rolling. (One minute in…wait for it…wait for it…POW)
On the eve of the 1-year anniversary of Bynum/Weeks; arguably the most ridiculous and embarrassing scandal in the history of the African-American clergy, comes…
Rev. Thomas Howell.
Gangsta Gangsta!
Granted, Mo’Kelly has no proof that Howell is African-American…but this just “sounds” like us. Is that stereotyping? Probably, but we know “us.” If Mo’Kelly is wrong, feel free to check Mo’Kelly accordingly at a later date.
If you’re unfamiliar with Rev. Howell, (another “Thomas” by the way), he was just convicted of aggravated menacing. What that means specifically, Mo’Kelly isn’t sure. But what Mo’Kelly is clear on is that Howell pointed a gun and threatened to shoot a woman for cutting him off…
…While he was on his way to his church the Monday morning of June 23.
Yes, nothing like brandishing a pistol and threatening to kill someone while on your way to your office to conduct “church business.” Some pastors visit members in the hospital, others threaten to put them in the hospital. Some pastors turn the other cheek, others make sure one round is in the chamber.
Different strokes for different folks. We all worship differently. It’s part of what makes America great.
Some pastors try to prepare us for the afterlife…others do their part to help send us into the afterlife. In a way, it could be a full-service business. Bring you to Christ, send you to the afterlife and even deliver the eulogy. That’s a pretty attractive deal. No middlemen anywhere. Some would even call that “efficiency.”
According to “victim” April Evans, Howell pulled up alongside her car, flashed a gun, asked if she knew who she was messing with before threatening to shoot.
Presumably, Howell was trying to save souls for Christ the day before. Monday…Howell was set-trippin’ and trying to regulate on Forest Ave.
This fool (in the biblical sense of the word) actually had the unmitigated gall to ask whether the woman knew who he was?! What if she did?! Nothing like staring down the barrel of a gun and seeing your own pastor ready to pop a cap in you. That’s only mildly unsettling.
(“Pastor” Howell cruises down Burnet Ave. in Walnut Hills, OH…AMG’s B**** Betta Have My Money blares from the car radio. “Pastor“ Howell sings along.)
“There ain’t nutting like Black ***** on my ****. Word to the Mu********* DJ Quick”
(April Evans, talking on her cellphone and unaware of Pastor Howell’s proximity, inadvertently cuts off “Pastor” Howell as she changes lanes prior to turning on to Forest Ave.)
“Oh! Sorry old man…my bad.”
“Oh no this trick did not cut me off?!” (He yells out the window) “Trick you DO know who I am, right? They don’t call me ‘Pastor Strapped’ for nothing…BEEYATCH! WESTSIDE!!!
(April continues to talk, yet frantically on her phone)
“Oh my God Becky, an old man with a crucifix draped from his neck just pulled a gun on me!”
(“Pastor” Howell leans out of his window, driving wildly and erratically a la “The Joker,” waving his “Nina” round and round.)
“Ain’t nuttin’ but a God thang Baby…one loc’ed out Pastor, call me crazay! Misled congregation pays me. Unfadeable so please don’t try to fade me. BEEYATCH! Pushin’ tithes like weight! Pushin’ tithes like weight! G-G-G-G-G- UNIT!”
“Becky, I have to call you back…a 70-year old gangsta pastor is throwing a “W” hand sign with one hand and now there‘s this red light dot on my temple.”
“Shake it like a saltshaker! Shake it like a saltshaker!”
Anyhow…
Judging by the “scene” above as painted by Mo’Kelly, one may get the idea that “April” isn’t African-American. Does Mo’Kelly know for certain? No…but this just “sounds” like a non-African-American woman. If Mo’Kelly is wrong, feel free to check him accordingly at a later date.
Well according to published reports, April AFTER being threatened with a gun by the “God-fearing” pastor, decided to FOLLOW HIM and chase him through Cincinnati.
Mo’Kelly doesn’t know how it goes down in Cincy, but out here in L.A…they SHOOT people in road rage incidents in a heartbeat. If/when someone flashes a gun at you in the midst of profanity-laden insults…the best course of action is to get to safety immediately, not follow him around town and further antagonize him.
If someone threatens you with a gun…Black folks know to take their word for it.
April got off easy. If “Pastor” Howell was thuggin’ for real, the story would have ended quite differently and the criminal charges would have been far more severe.
Mo’Kelly’s just sayin’…”April” doesn’t sound or act like a Sista. A Sista would’ve likely pulled over and let it go.
(Or pulled her own strap).
As of now Howell awaits sentencing, facing six months in jail.
Mo’Kelly would LOVE to be sitting in a pew this Sunday at First Commandment Church of the Living God to hear the “announcements.” That would HAVE to be high comedy.
“And now, Sister Quintonlisha Jones has our church announcements.”
“Good morning ‘chuch.’”
“Good morning Sista Jones.”
“Giving honor to God…Just wanted to give you an update in the life of our church. Remember Bible study is on Tuesday, Mid-week worship is on Wednesday and Thursday is the sentencing hearing for our illustrious pastor. The Missionary Society will be holding a bake sale to raise money for Pastor’s legal fees down in the fellowship hall after service. Let the ‘chuch‘ say Amen.”
“A-Men.”
The Mo’Kelly Report is an entertainment journal with a political slant; published weekly at www.eurweb.com. It is meant to inform, infuse and incite meaningful discours
e…as well as entertain. The Mo’Kelly Report is syndicated by Newstex and Blogburst. For more Mo’Kelly, http://www.MrMoKelly.com.
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Morris W. O’Kelly can be reached at Mo@MrMoKelly.com and he welcomes all commentary.
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Cincinnati is rough! Last summer, I visited "The Queen City" for my aunt's mother-in-law's 80th birthday party. It's a nice city (every other block, as Cincy native Katt Williams says).This was one of your more creative posts, Mr. Mo'Kelly. Very creative, indeed. And Quintonlisha's sister, Lotionetta Jergens, told me to tell you to leave her "sisduh alone"
Lotionetta Jergens?! You are SICK!