Mo’Kelly apologizes in advance to anyone and everyone who finds themselves “offended” by his next commentary. Feel free to send all applicable hatemail to Mo@MrMoKelly.com with the subject header “thong.”

Yes, Mo’Kelly is apologizing in advance for what he’s about to say. Then again, when it did ANY apology for public statements mean anything?

Exactly.

So go on ahead and file Mo’Kelly’s latest apology in the same bin as Don Imus’ or any other half-hearted, BS act of contrition.

That said…

Mo’Kelly is tired of people blaming the victim and not the criminal. By now most all of you have heard of Macrida Patterson.

What, the name Macrida Patterson doesn’t ring a bell? Well Macrida is the Los Angeles Meter Maid who is suing clothier Victoria’s Secret over the thong “wardrobe malfunction” which allegedly caused her permanent eye damage.

Ring a bell now?

So, for all of you out there who really don’t like Meter Maids…you probably really like them even less now.

Mind you, when Macrida was on the Today show with her lawyer recently telling her story, she was neither wearing an eyepatch nor glasses. Permanent “eye damage” that we can’t see and doesn’t affect her vision?

Hmm…

What Mo’Kelly wants to know is, why has there been zero discussion or sympathy for the REAL victim…the THONG!

Patterson, (age 52) has alleged in her lawsuit that while attempting to put on the “low-rise v-string” thong, a metal decorative fastener broke loose and almost put her eye out.

A fastener to the side and almost BACK of the thong that is.

How an ornament on the BACKSIDE of a thong busts you in your eye if you are putting on the thong “correctly” is not a detail to be overlooked.

Obviously this heifer was abusing the thong and the tiny swath of material fought back with every inch of its cotton fiber being. The media has missed the real story here.

But not Mo’Kelly.

Mo’Kelly isn’t saying that women above the age 52 or older shouldn’t wear “low-rise v-string” thongs; but Mo’Kelly IS saying that THIS particular 52-year-old woman had no business shopping in the “low-rise v-string” district.

If you are a size 14, it does not mean you can also wear size 4 articles of clothing. Simply because the numbers 4 and 14 both have “4s” in them, it does not mean they are interchangeable in a fashion sense.

Stop blaming the victim! Why hasn’t there been any outpouring of sympathy for the thong? It’s being cast as the villain here and all it did was protect itself from a premeditated assault.

Macrida wanted to put all size 14 of her ass into that size 4 thong and surprise, surprise…the thong wasn’t having it.

No means no.

If you happened to see Macrida’s Today show interview…it probably took you all of 4 seconds to realize that Macrida’s judgment was questionable at best. It’s clear Macrida sees herself far, far differently than the rest of us with good sense.

Those of us with good sense know that when you appear on the Today show to argue the “merits” of a thong injury lawsuit, you DON’T wear the cocktail dress that highlights your cleavage.

Those with good sense know that when you appear on the Today show to argue the “merits” of a thong injury lawsuit, donning pearls (fake or real) is probably not the correct message to send. At least TRY to give the illusion you’re not fashion ignorant all the way around. It’s a national TV interview, not a nightclub. Methinks the legal team for Victoria’s Secret will simply roll in a monitor, pop in a DVD of her Today show interview for the jury and leave it at that.

(The judge pounds his/her gavel)

“Alright, is the Victoria’s Secret defense team ready to present its case?”

“Yes, your Honor. The defense would like to place into evidence “Exhibit A,” Macrida’s interview on the Today show. (lawyer presses play on DVD).

…

…

…

(jurors bust out laughing.)

No further witnesses,your Honor. The defense rests. We’re good. If you need anything else we’ll be in the commissary grabbing a bite. (lawyer taps his chest twice). Peace out. You want anything while we’re there?

Those with good sense know that you don’t dress for the Today show like you would the L.A. nightclub Bistro 880. If Macrida couldn’t “figure out” how to handle the clothing for ONE television interview, it stands to reason her judgment in thong apparel and the correct procedure for putting one on is equally as flawed. This woman committed premeditated assault against an unsuspecting thong and nobody except Mo’Kelly is taking up for the thong. Attempted thongslaughter is just not funny.

Shame on all of you.

If nobody else defends the thong, Mo’Kelly will.

(Macrida and her man walk through the FoxHills mall in Los Angeles. She is dressed in spandex, leg warmers and a tube top. Her hair is freshly finger-waved.)

“Oh honey, let’s stop in Victoria’s Secret and get something special for this weekend!”

“Macrida, you so fine…you’re all the ‘special’ I need…spandex, tube top and fingerwaves. What else could a man desire?

“But I want something REALLY specia
l. Let’s role play again. I’ll buy one of those ‘low-rise v-string’ thongs that those skinny, 23-year-old underwear models wear and if you don’t’ feed my meter’ I’ll write you a ticket.”

(a passing shopper overhears and cringes)

“Oh look, they have my size!”

(Macrida holds up a ‘low-rise v-string’ – size “s”)

“Baby…that looks a little small for you.”

“No silly, it’s says right here…”S,” means “stretch-fit”

All Mo’Kelly is saying is that the thong fought back with every ounce of strength it had. Macrida’s lucky it didn’t try to put both her eyes out.

No means no.

Thoughts and prayers to the thong in hopes of a speedy recovery.

The Mo’Kelly Report is an entertainment journal with a political slant; published weekly at http://www.blogger.com/www.eurweb.comIt is meant to inform, infuse and incite meaningful discourse…as well as entertain. The Mo’Kelly Report is syndicated by Newstex and Blogburst. For more Mo’Kelly, http://www.MrMoKelly.com.

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Morris W. O’Kelly can be reached at Mo@MrMoKelly.com and he welcomes all commentary.

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